My life in bars – Part 1

I sat in the bath last Saturday night trying to soak away the pain and bruising caused by my latest stroke of bad luck in a bar when it suddenly dawned on me how many times I have ad unfortunate experiences in such places. Obviously none of these ‘experiences’ had been my fault. I just seem to have the knack of being in the wrong bar at the wrong time and getting into bizarre circumstances.

Take last weekend for example. I was in a hotel bar with a few friends enjoying some old memories when one of them reminded me of my favourite Superman joke from years gone by. Now the whole point of this joke is that you have to tell it whilst doing impressions of the super-hero and, after alarmingly little encouragement I said I would tell it again for old time’s sake.

The first thing I had to do was dress the part so off I went to the toilet and came back wearing my underpants outside my trousers, a borrowed tablecloth stuffed out my collar to make a cape and the letter S drawn on my shirt with lipstick. By this time I had drawn the attention of the rest of the residents and particularly the bar manager who looked on with growing concern. To the encouragement of my friends I literally threw myself into the role.

The joke explains how Superman and Batman were in a similar bar having a drink after a hard day’s crime fighting. Superman was telling how he had saved a child from a giant shark, the world from annihilation and finally had an incredible experience with Cat Woman. I told the joke in words and movement and somehow managed to stay upright despite leaping and lunging all over the place. Did I tell you it helps to be drunk to enjoy this joke?

Anyway, the end of the ‘joke’ is when he was on the way to the bar and saw Cat Woman. She was lying naked on the roof of a building making mewling noises and swaying her hips in a provocative fashion. Poor old Superman could not resist so he flew down and engaged her in frantic and passionate love-making. All was going well and I think I was simulating it all quite adequately until it came to the punch line.

Batman turns to Superman and says “Gee Superman, I bet she was surprised”. To which Superman replies “Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man”

At that point I jumped in the air…and went through the coffee table I had been standing on. This brought this sorry tale to a sudden and bloody end. Actually it took a while to separate my leg from the table but straight after that I was escorted to my room. At least they laughed at my joke I thought, but, if truth were known it was me crashing through the table that people thought both funny and just!